The Democrats' Dictionary
A Commentary By Debra J. Saunders
Doublespeak is alive as Democrats pull the strings in the White House and Congress 24 years after 1984. What do they mean when they engage in Democrat-speak?
I know I'm not worthy, but I've got an assignment, so I shall borrow a page from Ambrose Bierce, not with a Devil's Dictionary, but a Democrats' Dictionary. The easy part: There's no dif.
Academic freedom: Full license to espouse liberal thought to unformed minds.
Bailout: Billions upon billions -- trillions really -- of government aid doled out to financial institutions to remind voters of the need for strong regulation.
Biden, Joe: Running-at-the-mouth politician, but, hey, he was elected vice president.
Bipartisanship: 40 Republicans and 60 Democrats.
Bush, George W.: Big-spending, war-waging Republican.
Cheney, Dick: Satan.
Clean coal: What Santa Claus puts in Democrats' stockings so they don't have to admit that their global-warming agenda is anti-coal.
Climate change: Global warming during a blizzard.
CNN. Unbiased news network whose reporters battle "right-wing" media.
Deficits: Overspending before 2009, or spending practices that President Obama inherited. For current usage, see: Investment.
Extremists: Abortion opponents.
Fox News: Unlike CNN, biased news network.
Global warming: An apocalyptic theory that every scientist believes in -- except dissenting scientists who don't count -- best bemoaned
from one's Gulf Stream jet en route to an international conference on the environment.
God: What people in small towns clung to before Obama won the White House. See: guns, anti-immigrant or anti-trade beliefs.
Health care costs: A spiraling chunk of the U.S. economy that can be reduced by providing health care to all Americans. Really.
Homeland security: Gun control.
Iraq: An immoral war, once the focus of numerous anti-war demonstrations, which Democratic leaders vowed to end immediately upon winning the White House -- until Obama won the 2008 election.
Liberal: The L-word, a term unfairly hurled by name-calling right-wing kooks.
Lieberman, Joe: Former Democrat turned Independent senator from Connecticut. Sellout.
McCain, John: Former GOP maverick who -- the nerve -- turned out to actually be a Republican.
Middle class: Families that earn less than $250,000 -- until Washington decides it might be a good idea to pay for all the new Obama-era programs.
Nuance: Homeland Security Janet Napolitano's decision to refer to terrorist attacks as "man-caused disasters." Formerly known as Doublespeak.
Obama, Barack. God, at least in Detroit.
Oil: A crude substance used to fuel other people's cars.
One hundred days. The first in a series of holy days during which dutiful media preside over national thanksgiving.
Palin, Sarah. White-trashy grandmother utterly unqualified and too dim-witted to be vice president.
Pandemic: CNN-speak for flu.
Pelosi, Nancy. Grandmotherly House speaker who could not be expected to understand that when Bushies authorized waterboarding of high-value detainees, it actually might happen.
Progressive: Liberal.
Public transportation: What other people should take to work.
Regulation: The threat of a salary cap for executives with firms receiving federal funds.
Republican Party: The party of the rich -- if the California inland empire and Central Valley are rich, and Beverly Hills, Marin County and Malibu are not.
Sacrifice: Something Bush never asked for during time of war.
Now a tax hike for 95 percent of working families while U.S. troops fight in two wars abroad.
Specter, Arlen: Republican turned Democratic senator from Pennsylvania. Free thinker.
Stimulus: A rush in the nether regions at the prospect of spending trillions of dollars you don't have. Not to be confused with: Banking.
Surge: A tactic involving troop increases that could never work in Iraq, but always made sense for Afghanistan.
Tobacco: Toxic substance that should be overtaxed or banned -- unless it is marijuana. Then see: Medicine.
Tolerance: An essential element to civil societies; individuals deemed insufficiently tolerant must be re-educated.
War on terror: The fairness doctrine, the only weapon that can harm America's true enemy, Rush Limbaugh.
Waterboarding: Torture -- unless a plane piloted by terrorists hits a reservoir.
COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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